I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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