So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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