How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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