life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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