He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
