So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
