Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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