dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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