So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
