just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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