sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
