Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
