The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
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