why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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