I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
