If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
