That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
