"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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