Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
