So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
