Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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