i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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