I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
