don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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