I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
