So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
