worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
