My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
