Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
