we made out on top of his cat.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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