Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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