omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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