i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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