I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
she looked like the before picture.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
