Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
