come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
