Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
