she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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