I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i think my cat just said my name.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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