I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize