Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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