She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
