I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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