Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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