I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
