and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
