someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
