my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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