I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
