Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
