I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
