Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
