Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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