Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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