I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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